The first thing you must know about Raptor Jesus is that he is, of course, a man. Not only a man, but a man that only the likes of Sean Connery and Chuck Norris could look in the eyes. He has the height of a human, approximately 6 feet, with the looks of a miniaturized t-rex. Often seen wearing the clothing of a prophet and savior, he gives off a peaceful “Messiah and protector of all humanity” appearance.
His power is as the herald of Velociraptor, the sign of the end of the world. And his teachings tell of a time when only those with the most succulent newborns will be saved.
But what does he really mean by saved?
When examined further it becomes clear that Raptor Jesus is not quite the savior he’s cracked up to be. Multiple eye-witness accounts, along with several live nationwide television broadcasts have shown Raptor Jesus to be little more than a baby eating monster who steals newborns right from their mothers hip and nearly swallows them whole. Multiple so-called Messiah experts and biologists suggest that Raptor Jesus is in fact little more than an escaped attempt at cloning a Velociraptor with biological enhancements for intelligence. They suggest careful avoidance of known Velociraptor entrance points such as large windows and knob-less doors when he is suspected to be in the area. Especially for those with newborn babies and young children who are unable to defend themselves against his attacks.
Local man and self-proclaimed Raptor Jesus expert Craig Bowman however defends Raptor Jesus. Citing his multiple encounters and stating that “[Raptor Jesus] gives promises of sweet Latino passion with his chocolate brown eyes.”
Raptor Jesus; Messiah or baby killing monster? You decide.